Salaciously intellectual


still feel like my life is spiraling out of control
still feel like I'm stuck in the moments before they reveal I'm an idiot
still feel overwhelmed and adrift alone
still exhausted and drained
I just want to be still
Salaciously intellectual

out of control

I feel like my life is spiraling. Seems like nothing goes right (or goes right for very long). I keep expecting adjustors to come and wipe us all out as failures at life. Help.
Salaciously intellectual

losing it

Today the voices in my head are winning. I should just accept that I should only aspire to make the best cup of coffee. Why does everything have to be so goddamed hard. 
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
Salaciously intellectual

(no subject)

So done with my life. It's fucked up and depressing when you realize that all your problems are your fault and you are the fail. It's pretty much a forgone conclusion that the only legacy I'll leave to my kids is a heaping pile of what not to do. I'm so full of sadness and anger and despair I can't even be happy in my alone time with the baby but I'm so sick of being Debbie downer when I talk to folks that I'm just gonna shut up. Chris mentioned that irritating depressed that people get and I know I'm there. No one wants to hear this shit especially when your hands dug the grave. There must be a word that has a similar meaning to pathetic without the evocation of pathos.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

storm 2, tornado

For the first time

Went into Labor and Delivery on Monday night after noting what I would consider abnormal swelling in my extremities. They admitted me for monitoring and are keeping me for maybe a week at this point. I am freaking out of course. 33 weeks today so it won't be the worst thing but we do of course want him to bake as long as possible. Mostly freaking out because of work shit though since I don't get the short-term disability that passes for maternity leave. It's hard being the primary bread winner for my household. I don't want to worry anyone else so I'm doing a lot of internalizing and praying that the powers that control the paycheck will be cooperative in letting me work remotely as long as possible. Hell facetime me in for working hours my butt being in a hospital bed is more effective than being in office sometimes anyway. So I'm scared and saying it out loud here where no one reads anymore. I won't break down I won't I will stay stronger than people expect.

Salaciously intellectual

the quick and dirty

Lost 30 pounds, less than 100 away from my goal.

despite this i feel like I'm never going to be a couple. All the men i really like don't reciprocate. I hate it
but I am also emotional right now. so  whatever. Collapse )

Salaciously intellectual

Stupid app

The entry prior to this was more about me venting than writing a post. But you can't set to private without having a stupid notification appear. I hate notifications I resent them so I had to post it. Welcome to my fucked up logic. I guess in retrospect I could have deleted it. But I just realized that when I typed that last sentence. Fuck.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.